Time to Fight.

I am not weak.  Weakness makes you a target, it makes you a victim.  I stand for the weak, I fight for the weak, I shelter and help and give hope to the weak, but I am never, never the weak.  I can't be weak, not ever again. 

Who am I? This is is one of those questions I thought I'd answered a very long time ago that has suddenly popped up and become irritatingly relevant once again.

So who am I?  What defines me as a human being? What has made me?  I had a conversation about this tonight.  How can I be both the person who loves the God of Peace and turns to cutting at the eleventh hour?  The paradox.

What made me?  A lifetime of knowing God, of loving and trusting and hating and clinging to Him.  But that isn't the only thing that made me.  There was another that molded me, pursued me, tortured me, and stole everything from me.  It is he that chases me in my dreams and my waking nightmares, that haunts me in everything that makes my heart race.  The light and the dark, waging war inside of me constantly.

I am a child of the Living God, the God of Hope.  I am a cutter.
I am strong and courageous.  I live in fear, reacting and fighting the same fight over and over.
I am set free.  I am trapped in hell.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am defective, broken, damaged, and sometimes completely mad.

So there I am, driving home, and I am thinking.  Thinking about the question.  "Who am I?"  I think about what we've been talking about and what it would be like if God healed that part of my soul.  If I didn't have to be this way anymore.  But I've lived with the PTSD and the cutting and the memories for so long that when I try to imagine a life without them, much to my surprise, I find myself afraid.  They are so much a part of me, of who I am.  They are my identity...what's left without this?  I am afraid of what's left when so much of me is taken away.  Who am I if I am not my pain?

I am a child of the Living God, the God of Hope.
I am strong and courageous.
I am set free.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

The light is too bright, and I feel exposed, raw, vulnerable.  But if I can choose to believe in the ability to not be my pain, to not be a cutter, to not be the sum of every bad thing that has ever happened, then what?  Standing without the weight of a lifetime of secrets and pain...my God, what will I be capable of?

"There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask, 'What if I fall?'
Oh, but my darling,
What if you fly?"
--Erin Hanson


And YOU.  You know who you are.  You freaking out yet?  You should be.  I've figured out your ploy.  Your lies are exposed and your battle plan is on fire.   And what you are trying so hard to stop me from doing?  Good luck with that.  Bring it on.

I am not weak. I WILL fight.  And I won't come alone.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

You Lose. But, wait...

Image
Addiction. What a funny little thing. Isn't it strange how something we do for "us" can control us? And many times, we don't even realize we are being controlled. Isn't it also strange the things that can become our addiction? Cigarettes and drugs at least have an excuse...they are physical addictions. But the same can't be said about everything. People are addicted to so many things-- alcohol, sex, tobacco, shopping, vomiting, television, drugs, self-injury, pornography, emotional attention. The list can go on and on. So, here we are. Human, every one. Addiction or not, we screw up. It'll sneak up on you. One day you're fine, you're okay, you're fighting it at every turn and winning. You tear through every excuse you make for relapse and fight your own mind until you win. You shake, you cry, and you beg God for help. And you WIN! Until that one day that you...just ...don't. One emotional sucker-punch that you just weren't expecting. ...
Read more

"Take my world apart" - Lessons for surviving friendly dogs and conquering poverty

Image
Today, a dog tried to eat me . Well, not completely, but it sure felt like it. There I was, with this (big) beautiful dog, super friendly and all (really, really big), and I was getting all sorts of tail wags and kisses. No problem. Every sign that I was reading from this (did I mention she was really big?) dog told me she was friendly. Her owner asked me to help put on a harness and size it. I was on one knee and having a hard time sizing it because she was so busy licking my face. I stood up and slipped it over her head, then pet her and began to clip it under her arms, just behind her forelegs. At the exact moment that I got both hands underneath her and I was bent so that her and I were literally nose-to-nose, she froze , for just a quarter of a second. No wagging, no movement, no licking. It was all the warning I got, and it was so fast, I had no time to react. Before I could finish my thought of "hmm, that's not good", she went ballistic. She lunged for my face and...
Read more

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

As the last few minutes of 2007 ticked away, I started reviewing the year in my mind. I don't know how the year was for you, but I can say that for me, it was a test of my mind, body and soul. 2007 was a year of doctors and disappointment, of death and sorrow, of trials and tears. There were patches of hope, of amazing love, friendship, family, smiles and laughter. New life, new experiences, and a renewing of sorts in my own life. Among my accomplishments in 2007, I quit smoking, a feat I thought impossible for a long time. I also completed my Animal Behavior College courses, and will be "officially" graduating later this month. I learned a lot, met some new people, and started going to Focal Point Church, which is one of those great things that happened in '07. One of the biggest things that has happened this year is that I've reorganized my priorities. I have had my perception altered, and as a result, my entire worldview has changed. I feel more like the perso...
Read more