My eyes fail...

Save me O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help, my throat is parched.
My eyes fail, looking for my God.
(Psalm 69:1-3)

I'm sinking. I'm drowning. And all the while I'm searching for you, with what little strength I have left. I'm tired. Tired of everything.

I'm not alone, and to say so would be insufferably selfish and a lie. I turn to the weak person's comfort, making me hate myself, and yet...it is my only comfort. Comfort in the pain...yeah, that makes sense...

I could blame it on being off the meds, but then, why can't I be happy without some chemical programming my brain? What the hell is wrong with me?

I've known, academically anyway, that other people don't feel like I do. But I've never felt so...trapped, like I did today. It hurts to stand, it takes every ounce of energy to walk around and just be...and I wonder, will it ever end? Or will I just live like this forever, trapped in a body that refuses to work, refuses to let me live and breathe, laugh and run and love and be without pain? I'm so tired of the damn pain! The good days seem to be so few and far between now, and I'm only 25. What will I be in ten years? This body is so indescribably broken, and the rest of me seems to be falling, too. I'm in pieces. I'm broken, in so many ways. And I'm starting to wonder if anything can make me whole.

To the people I love: if you read this, I'm sorry. It's not your fault, and I know you love me. You've never made me doubt that... I'm just venting. It's just a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. I love you.

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