Where are you?

I looked for you today, but I couldn't quite find you. You are like something I see out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn to look for you, you disappear. I know you're there, in the periphery, but you feel so distant. I miss you. I need you now.

For now, I will write out the questions that have run through my restless mind as of late, in the hopes of clearing some room in there, and perhaps calming the storm in my soul.

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Why is it that humans seem to be wired to run from you when we need you the most? The times when we are hurting, or angry, or scared, or failing--those are the times we need to turn to you, to the cross and all that it points to. Mercy and grace, hope and love. You. But instead, we run, we hide our faces from you. Why? Is it anger, or sadness, disappointment, shame? How foolish. How human.

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What is it we expect of doctors, exactly? Why in the world are we shocked when they cannot help us? What were we expecting? Is it that humans go to school and get a degree, to become miniature versions of God? No, doctors cannot help. They are not miniature Gods, they are not miracle workers. They are just humans, like me, only with more knowledge about certain things. But knowledge doesn't bring healing. Knowledge just brings a false confidence. Empty promises, foolish hopes. Enough with the promises, with the hope! Enough.

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What am I supposed to be doing? I have so many ideas, but they don't seem possible. Or, in some cases, there are far too many holes where things can go badly wrong. Are you telling me no, or is my fear of failure stopping you from doing something amazing? What is it that you want me to pursue? What do you want me to do?!

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I feel...gray. Whitewashed. Like the vibrant colors of my faith have been sun-bleached by the fear, the hopelessness that I can't seem to wash away. This is not you, this is not my God! This sad, pale, colorless reflection that was once so beautiful. I long for you, my soul aches for you, my heart cries out. I need you.

You faced heartache, sorrow. When you faced the terrible death that awaited you, when you saw what you must endure, were you afraid? Even knowing the outcome, surely you felt it there, stirring in you as you looked upon the pain and suffering. How? How did you keep the fear at bay? How did you keep the fear from taking over, from suffocating you? I face such small things in comparison, and yet I am terrified. My God, I am so scared.

I miss the daylight. The times when I breathe deeply, inhaling the wonderful scent of your presence. I feel the warmth of your love dancing on my skin, the peace of my Savior settles on me. I am safe in your arms, it is daylight.

But for now, the sun has set, and night has fallen. In the night, hopelessness creeps in, insecurity finds a foothold, addictions rise and fight back, and the fear threatens to drown me. Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck! I need you! My biggest questions...Where are you? Why can't I feel you? Where are you?!

For now, I'm winning. But just barely. I can't hold on much longer. Why can't I feel you? Why, my God, do you turn away? I need you! I can't do this without you! I'm suffocating, I can't breathe! Nothing is right. I am so afraid. Please don't leave me. I didn't run from you! I'm here, and I'm reaching. I am your child. You are my Father! Fathers protect their children, they don't leave them in their time of need, they don't fall silent when their children cry out.

Please, Daddy. Healer, make me whole. I'm broken, and you are my only hope. Call out my name, and breathe into me. I love you.