Guard your name.
I've recently learned a valuable lesson. I always thought that if people wanted to believe lies and untruths, well, that was their stupidity. If someone wanted to talk about me, fine. Whatever. If someone believed what other people said and didn't take the time to come to me and find out if it was true, then it was their problem. And, to a degree, that's true. But there is also a very important aspect to protecting your "image". Protecting your image and the way people see you isn't important because it matters what other people think of you. What matters is the consequences of what those people percieve.
I recently met a pastor and I had emailed him about his opinion on certain things. In his reply email, he included the following: "Just a heads up... [my wife] has all of my passwords and access to accounts as a way to help me guard both myself and any women [who write]..." In telling me this, he did a few things. First, he made sure that my confidence in him was not based on an untrue assumption. That is, he let me know immediately that his eyes weren't the only ones reading what I wrote. As he put it, "...confidentiality with me does extend to her by default." Second, he protected himself against any blame, whether real or percieved. By doing this, and telling me about it, he protected us both from any speculation that may have arisen. But he also guarded his name and reputation. Because he understands the consequences of not doing so. He understands that it's not just him at risk. If people think he's done something inappropriate or dishonest, then doubt is cast on God, because guess what? He's a pastor. See, he has figured out that there is so much more at stake than just what people think of him as a person. The question is, what do non-believers think of him as a believer, as a pastor, as someone who represents a holy, perfect, living God? Now, take that question and apply it to me, and to you. What do people think when they look at me--the Christian, the believer?
So, where did this little epiphany come from? I hadn't really thought much about that particular portion of the email until the other night. Let me explain.
I'm a dog trainer. And while I don't make it a habit to toot my own horn, I'm a pretty stinkin' good dog trainer. I know a lot about behavior, training, and other aspects, and I know how to apply it well and convey that knowledge to others. So, in short, I can train dogs, but I can also teach others how to do it. Now, if there is one thing I've learned about being a good trainer over the past few years, it's this: Great dog trainers know when they are in over their heads, and they aren't afraid to admit it. It's rare that I simply don't know what to do. But when it happens, I'm not going to guess and be wrong; there is too much at stake. I've learned that what I can or can't do will often determine whether that dog winds up abandoned, re-homed, or dropped off at a shelter. The number one reason given for abandoning a dog is behavior problems of some sort. Most dogs who are aggressive will never make it back out. They are euthanized. Many who are not aggressive will still be euthanized, because there just isn't enough room for all the homeless animals. So, I take my job seriously, because if I screw around or screw up, I could literally be dooming that dog to shelter life and eventually, death.
I had one of those cases recently where I just didn't know what else to do. We were dealing with an eight month old beagle with a severe case of resource guarding and aggression. In short, if he had it, and you wanted it, he'd bite, snarl, growl, etc. Not the most fun to live with. For some reason, he simply wasn't responding to anything we'd tried; in fact, he was getting worse. I realized then that I needed to know when to quit. I needed to be honest and say, "Look. I don't know why this isn't working, but we need to take care of this problem so that he can be a happier dog, and you can be happier living with him." So I did. These people are great, they were willing to do all they could to help this dog, they weren't willing to give up on him. I love clients like that. It just made me feel that much worse, though, when I couldn't help them. I told them to seek an animal behaviorist, and that their vet or other vets in the area may know of some. They left with the purpose of finding someone who could help their dog. They left to find someone who was more qualified than me. But they left confident and happy that I had done what was best for their dog and them, because I knew when to admit that I was at the end of my knowledge. Two weeks went by. I was near the end of a class when I saw them. The man asked if he could speak with me after class. I said yes. After class, I found them, and was met with a flurry of questions and an almost panicked description of this woman that they had hired to "help" their dog. They found her in a desperate time; they'd called most of the vets and boarding kennels in the area and no one knew a behaviorist. One vet even gave them the number for a "Pet Communicator" (aka doggy psychic...) So they found this lady through a website and called her. She talked to them for a while and said that yes, she could help. She scheduled the first training session, which was to be three hours in length at the family home. (And anyone who knows anything about dogs and training would know that a three hour 'training session' is ridiculous, but that's beside the point...) The things that they described to me were sickening. She demanded to see the couple's two dogs fight (this was one problem they were having, due to the beagle's resource guarding), not once, but twice. She had to actually see every problem they were having. Oh, he tries to bite you if you take his toy? Let me see! Oh, he doesn't like his crate? Put him in there, see if he bites you! This went on for the first hour or so. She then began her "behavior modification", in which she would bait the dog with a treat, and when he tried to get it, she would jerk up on his choke chain with enough force to make him scream in pain and actually lift him bodily off the floor, while screaming "leave it!". She would then cheerfully tell the couple not to look so frightened, he's just a dog. This went on for another hour. In the course of this training session, she stepped on his toes, grabbed his neck and flipped him onto his back (bodyslam), hung him from the choke chain numerous times, and did other abusive things. By the time she left, the dog and the people were traumatized, and the dog's aggression was worse. She stated that the reason for his aggression was because the dog thought he was the wife's mate, and the husband was intruding. How ridiculous! I was absolutely horrified. I was livid that anyone would do that do a puppy in the name of training. Then they dropped the bombshell. The woman looked at me and said "she said she knew you!" I was floored. I didn't know anyone who matched that description, or who was nutty enough to do those things. The man said, "Yeah--we mentioned your name and her face lit up. That's why we hired her! We figured if you knew her she must be great!" I honestly didn't know what to say. We finally figured out who this lady was--she comes in the store every once in a while and we'd talked. That's it. I didn't even know her name. But because she knew who I was and these people obviously loved me, she used that to get hired. And now I had two very upset clients saying "but she knew you!" The worst part about this lady tossing my name around was that the dog paid the price. We're still trying to undo the damage that woman caused.
Yes, I learned a valuable lesson. Guard your name. Guard your reputation. Whether it is your faith, your job, or your marriage that you are protecting, what people think of you matters. We'd like to think it doesn't make a difference, but it matters.
I recently met a pastor and I had emailed him about his opinion on certain things. In his reply email, he included the following: "Just a heads up... [my wife] has all of my passwords and access to accounts as a way to help me guard both myself and any women [who write]..." In telling me this, he did a few things. First, he made sure that my confidence in him was not based on an untrue assumption. That is, he let me know immediately that his eyes weren't the only ones reading what I wrote. As he put it, "...confidentiality with me does extend to her by default." Second, he protected himself against any blame, whether real or percieved. By doing this, and telling me about it, he protected us both from any speculation that may have arisen. But he also guarded his name and reputation. Because he understands the consequences of not doing so. He understands that it's not just him at risk. If people think he's done something inappropriate or dishonest, then doubt is cast on God, because guess what? He's a pastor. See, he has figured out that there is so much more at stake than just what people think of him as a person. The question is, what do non-believers think of him as a believer, as a pastor, as someone who represents a holy, perfect, living God? Now, take that question and apply it to me, and to you. What do people think when they look at me--the Christian, the believer?
So, where did this little epiphany come from? I hadn't really thought much about that particular portion of the email until the other night. Let me explain.
I'm a dog trainer. And while I don't make it a habit to toot my own horn, I'm a pretty stinkin' good dog trainer. I know a lot about behavior, training, and other aspects, and I know how to apply it well and convey that knowledge to others. So, in short, I can train dogs, but I can also teach others how to do it. Now, if there is one thing I've learned about being a good trainer over the past few years, it's this: Great dog trainers know when they are in over their heads, and they aren't afraid to admit it. It's rare that I simply don't know what to do. But when it happens, I'm not going to guess and be wrong; there is too much at stake. I've learned that what I can or can't do will often determine whether that dog winds up abandoned, re-homed, or dropped off at a shelter. The number one reason given for abandoning a dog is behavior problems of some sort. Most dogs who are aggressive will never make it back out. They are euthanized. Many who are not aggressive will still be euthanized, because there just isn't enough room for all the homeless animals. So, I take my job seriously, because if I screw around or screw up, I could literally be dooming that dog to shelter life and eventually, death.
I had one of those cases recently where I just didn't know what else to do. We were dealing with an eight month old beagle with a severe case of resource guarding and aggression. In short, if he had it, and you wanted it, he'd bite, snarl, growl, etc. Not the most fun to live with. For some reason, he simply wasn't responding to anything we'd tried; in fact, he was getting worse. I realized then that I needed to know when to quit. I needed to be honest and say, "Look. I don't know why this isn't working, but we need to take care of this problem so that he can be a happier dog, and you can be happier living with him." So I did. These people are great, they were willing to do all they could to help this dog, they weren't willing to give up on him. I love clients like that. It just made me feel that much worse, though, when I couldn't help them. I told them to seek an animal behaviorist, and that their vet or other vets in the area may know of some. They left with the purpose of finding someone who could help their dog. They left to find someone who was more qualified than me. But they left confident and happy that I had done what was best for their dog and them, because I knew when to admit that I was at the end of my knowledge. Two weeks went by. I was near the end of a class when I saw them. The man asked if he could speak with me after class. I said yes. After class, I found them, and was met with a flurry of questions and an almost panicked description of this woman that they had hired to "help" their dog. They found her in a desperate time; they'd called most of the vets and boarding kennels in the area and no one knew a behaviorist. One vet even gave them the number for a "Pet Communicator" (aka doggy psychic...) So they found this lady through a website and called her. She talked to them for a while and said that yes, she could help. She scheduled the first training session, which was to be three hours in length at the family home. (And anyone who knows anything about dogs and training would know that a three hour 'training session' is ridiculous, but that's beside the point...) The things that they described to me were sickening. She demanded to see the couple's two dogs fight (this was one problem they were having, due to the beagle's resource guarding), not once, but twice. She had to actually see every problem they were having. Oh, he tries to bite you if you take his toy? Let me see! Oh, he doesn't like his crate? Put him in there, see if he bites you! This went on for the first hour or so. She then began her "behavior modification", in which she would bait the dog with a treat, and when he tried to get it, she would jerk up on his choke chain with enough force to make him scream in pain and actually lift him bodily off the floor, while screaming "leave it!". She would then cheerfully tell the couple not to look so frightened, he's just a dog. This went on for another hour. In the course of this training session, she stepped on his toes, grabbed his neck and flipped him onto his back (bodyslam), hung him from the choke chain numerous times, and did other abusive things. By the time she left, the dog and the people were traumatized, and the dog's aggression was worse. She stated that the reason for his aggression was because the dog thought he was the wife's mate, and the husband was intruding. How ridiculous! I was absolutely horrified. I was livid that anyone would do that do a puppy in the name of training. Then they dropped the bombshell. The woman looked at me and said "she said she knew you!" I was floored. I didn't know anyone who matched that description, or who was nutty enough to do those things. The man said, "Yeah--we mentioned your name and her face lit up. That's why we hired her! We figured if you knew her she must be great!" I honestly didn't know what to say. We finally figured out who this lady was--she comes in the store every once in a while and we'd talked. That's it. I didn't even know her name. But because she knew who I was and these people obviously loved me, she used that to get hired. And now I had two very upset clients saying "but she knew you!" The worst part about this lady tossing my name around was that the dog paid the price. We're still trying to undo the damage that woman caused.
Yes, I learned a valuable lesson. Guard your name. Guard your reputation. Whether it is your faith, your job, or your marriage that you are protecting, what people think of you matters. We'd like to think it doesn't make a difference, but it matters.
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